Today i was at the mall with my mom, at a department store. She wandered through the clothes for a while, we weren't really there to buy anything, just looking. She then found something that she thought i would like, some black (and to be honest, really pretty) baggy jeans. She told me that i had to try them at the fitting room and i accepted reluctantly. It was horrible, the waist part didn't closed. I looked down, saw the little flesh-tire around me, i sweat cold, my mind hold it's breath while i assimilate everything... and then I started crying. I cried badly, and i had to use a lot of strenght to not let my whining get really loud. I was there like 30 mins until i had to go out because i was scared someone might wanna take me out of there forcefully. I hate trying clothes. Im so fucking fat.
-Charlie
I hate Humans Rights class. like, its ok, the teacher is cool, but everytime he asks me to respond to a question in the middle of the class i get really nervous because I KNOW i will not know it and i will most probably end up failing his class. its so much pressure. And he has a fuckinh record of everyone's answers!! just let me cryyyy!!!
-Charlie
Today i planned to smoke weed with my cousin. im probably staying at grandma's, where Sara is. She told me she had wanted to smoke with me. i looked for the dealer and separated two prerols. If i have luck, it will be on time and all. I've wanted to smoke since last week...
im really hoping the teacher doesn't notice me using my phone at class, he prob won't. I don't understand anything he's saying. i feel like such a loser. I'll kill myself, maybe.
-Charlie
I had an exam today. I think i screw up most of the thing, but whatever. I saw my friends sending their post-exam photos, all of them eating and laughing at a cafe, without me. Now, im sure they would have invited me if i stayed longer after the exam, but i couldn't. My mom picks me up, i'm not like them, im not that independent. My parents don't want me to be outside by myself. Like i get it... its for "safety". The outside things are dangerous.. but, fuck.. I don't know how to fuckin use the stupid public transport for gods sake!! And im 17 alredy wtf!! I should know more things, so then my friends don't leave me aside...
What a fucking nuisance.
-Charlie
I met someone. And I think i like them. I like them so much that whenever i see a movie or talk to someone, i can't keep consentrated. I'm scared of what is going to happen. I'm scared of him, just because i don't know him that much. But he seems ok, fine, good. I'm scared that people will talk about my tastes. I'm scared of the possibilitty that this, what i have with him, isn't what i truly want. Im scared that doing this, im a wrecked. But who am i kidding, we are not even "officially" dating. I should get a fucking grip and stop this nonsence in my head. I should stop. Just stop. Stop and remember.
This emptiness I feel inside is just so suffocating that it actually makes me want to kill myself. It is so horrible and uncertain everything now. It makes me go insane. I can't...even fuckin cry now, my repressed feelings are against it, and it drives me nuts knowing i can't talk properly now, or even feel anything towards/because of someone. Im just an empty being... so fucking pathetic.